SPILL THE BEANS
THE UNGLAMOROUS, UNHINGED, DARK-HUMOR ORIGIN OF VULGAR COFFEE
Vulgar Coffee did not begin as a wholesome entrepreneurial journey or as a brand idea. I started it because caffeine was the only thing standing between me and emotionally waterboarding someone with my opinions. Then 2020 hit and the world shut down. Everyone started baking banana bread, whispering “pivot,” and pretending sourdough was a personality. Meanwhile, I was in my kitchen realizing:
Without caffeine, I am one bad morning away from a felony.
The pandemic gave people new hobbies, spiritual awakenings, and even emotional breakthroughs. But for me? Nah, I got insomnia, rage, and the awareness that coffee was the only thing preventing my mugshot from appearing on the evening news. 2020 was when I realized something important:
I should not be allowed around people without coffee.
It wasn’t self-awareness.
It was a threat assessment.
My brain wasn’t firing.
My soul had left the chat.
My tolerance for other humans was negative and out of that abyss I muttered:
I really am a cranky bitch until I’ve had coffee.
Not a catchphrase.
A warning label.
Normal people would’ve shrugged and chosen mindfulness.
I chose monetization. Because why regulate your emotions when you can turn them into a brand and put them on a bag? That’s when CRANKY BITCH was born.
People create brands because they want to inspire the world. I created mine because I wanted everyone to back away slowly until the mug was empty.
☕ WHY “CRANKY BITCH”?
Because why not. This isn't branding, it was It soul diagnosis. Other coffee companies want you to rise with the sun, breathe with intention, journal your gratitude. I just want you to drink this before you commit a felony you can't come back from.
☕ MY BRAND ESSENCE:
Not serene. Not soft.
65% caffeine, 35% emotional damage.
I didn’t build Vulgar Coffee because I’m passionate about beans. I built it because society needed a warning label.
☕ WHAT THIS COFFEE ACTUALLY IS
It’s caffeine with an attitude problem.
It’s personality before patience.
It’s “sip first, apologize never.”
Before the website…
Before the packaging…
Before this brand had a pulse…
There was just me, standing in my kitchen, one eye twitch away from becoming a headline.
Vulgar Coffee: created to protect the innocent.
You're welcome.
Cheers to reclaiming your dark-side mornings.
VULGAR COFFEE, CUSS-WORTHY SINCE 2020. STILL LEGENDARY.